I’m almost positive every girl in the modern world has seen “The Notebook”. It’s a great movie. I guess it’s a ‘chick flick’ but for me it’s just a great love story. Love isn’t easy. Love takes work. Love is choices. Love is as forever as it is fleeting. It all comes down to how you treat it. I think. This movie captures all of that and more for me. I can’t be completely positive because although I’ve had some love in my life. I’ve never been married. I’ve never given over my entire life and future to another person believing that they will do the same and keep that promise. I do have what I would call a ‘forever love’ though. It was a whole lot like this movie. Except of course for the all important happy ending. My heart, dreams and prayers are still holding out for it but I also know we live in a fallen world in which God has given free choice to all of us. So, just because Ally’s Noah took a risk and reached out for her, doesn’t mean my “Noah” will. Even though, Noah’s Ally took a huge risk and trusted her life to him by coming back doesn’t mean I’ll ever get the chance to take that risk with mine. I’m a dreamy realist I guess. Pessimistic optimist maybe? Either way for me, depending on the day, I can be filled with hope and joy or I can feel like the world and all my dreams and hopes are forever gone like so much vapor.
Today, I am teetering on the edge of the vapor. My heart really is broken. I really am lonely. My life does not look the way I planned or the way I expected. I LOVE my life. Well, so many parts and people in it, I do. I really do. My kids were always in my dreams and now they are in my daily life. There is no adequate way to express how thankful I am for them. My best friends are two of the most amazing women I’ve ever known and thanks to them I am never and will never be truly alone. I like my own company. I’m not afraid of silence. I can be happy on my own. These are all answered prayers. The thing is: the prayer I’ve prayed since I was old enough to remember them, was and is, someone to love me forever. Someone to share life with. The other person that makes the rest of your life make sense. The person that makes all of the other heartbreaks worth it and long over. It’s not answered yet. Or rather, maybe it was answered and I missed it? Know what I mean? There’s a scene in the movie that feels like it came out of my heart.. here it is:
Will she come back? Will he take her? If you’ve seen the movie you know the answer. In life we don’t usually get that information. We don’t know the ending. We don’t even know the next scene. Right now I feel like I’ve been in the longest most boring holding pattern ever. I keep waiting for my love scene. I keep waiting for my ‘happy ending’. How bout at least for the next chapter even? I get to love and adore the ones I have and am left to wonder constantly if my ever pressing dream IS REALLY IN GOD’S PLAN FOR ME. Today it’s exhausting. The world conspires against you when you believe in love and keep trying. It calls you names like: Naive, Pathetic, even desperate. I might be naive, I’m sure I’m pathetic to some people … one thing I know for sure is that I AM desperate. Not in the way the world defines it but definitely desperate.
I am desperate to keep hope. I am desperately in love. I am desperate to believe that no matter what my worldly circumstances are there is a Godly man with an other-worldly love for only me. One that will fight for me, look for me, wait for me. . . find me. . . Love. Me. I’m ok with being THAT kind of desperate. I’d rather live with the hope for love than die living without it. What else is there that matters more than Hope and Love? I can’t think of a thing.