Tag Archives: Dreams

Dreams and Diapers

For as long as I can remember I’ve had ONE dream for my life.  There have always been constellations of additions to the dream, floating like butterflies gently landing in my heart and then flitting away.  All the while, leaving the core of who I am: I have always been a wife and mother.

Just like so many other girls of earlier generations I imagined what and who my husband would be.  I imagined our home, our children and the way in which we would love one another.  I imagined having a family.  I never fully pictured the faces names or types of people they would all be.  I simply always left the place in my heart open for the man who would be the man I loved and for the little people that we would bring into our life through that love.

Even as a young kid I can remember thinking it wasn’t ok to want to be “just a mother” as  primary goal for my life.  My parents were divorced and both deeply unhappy people.  My father has been married and divorced four times now.  My mother was single the entirety of my child and young adulthood.  She did remarry while I was in college to a man who had three daughters of his own.  From where I sat (very far from them in another state as well as on another planet emotionally) from my mother; it seemed she had settled for something less than she wanted.    She and I have had a deeply strained relationship since I was 14 and I preferred distance and walls for my safety.  They both still seemed deeply unhappy.  My father even went so far as to tell me that I should never get married.

Thanks to all of that I kept my hearts desire quietly to myself and to a very few friends.  I also wanted to do something in my life that would change the lives of other people for the better.  I eventually found social work and felt that it was my vocational home.  It’s core values mirrored my own.  I felt I could do this work as a natural extension of who I was at the heart.  I was excited.  All the while keeping an eye out for that man who would join me on my journey.

I’ve loved three men in my life with all of my heart.  The second of which I loved more than I thought was possible to ever love anyone.  I knew exactly who he was, all his cracks and broken-ness.  All his weaknesses and strengths.  As many of his secrets as I could pry from his guarded  heart.  I guarded my own just as fiercely out of fear of having it shattered beyond repair .  I left him out of fear that I would repeat the mistakes I watched my father make.  I was desperate to avoid being a man’s “savior” or have a man try to be mine.  There is only One Savior and that is Christ.  Leaving him broke my heart but left me feeling I have somehow made progress; moved closer to the man I was meant to find.  (Secretly hoping that it would motivate the man I left to become that man b/c I believed  he could).

The man I dated after that seemed to be a nice man but was never someone I loved.  He was someone, I freely admit,  that I used to fill the empty space left in my broken heart.  He was verbally and emotionally abusive.   It was the quiet kind of abuse that sneaks into you  and starts to chip away at all the strength that you build in your soul.  For reasons only God will know, this is the man who became the father of the only child I have ever carried in my womb.  This fact broke my heart from the beginning but only for the child I carried.  I realized that the bad decisions I had made and the weakness that I allowed to keep me with the wrong man will now cost my child a debt she never asked for.  She will be burdened for the rest of her life with all the weakness, cruelty and self- centeredness that the man who helped create her keeps in his heart.  For me this is as close to an unforgivable sin as can exist in my world.

I left this man. I tried to learn to forgive myself for this failure.  I enjoyed each and every second of my pregnancy.  I reveled in how I was working hand in hand with the Heavenly Father to craft His child and work at making Good for her out of all of my failures. I prayed constantly.  I watched excitedly as my belly grew (as well as the rest of me!) I loved knowing how strong my body was and how strong I knew my baby was.  I loved the feel of her kick and the look of my nice round belly.  I’d never felt so strong, so rooted, so connected to the creator through the work He was doing in my body and in my heart.  My Father loved me back to health.  We whispered to each other every night.  I shared my fears and failings and He held me and shared His Love and Forgiveness.  I shared my dreams for my little family and He shared His strength and His protection for us.  I began to grow in confidence.  This growth culminated in the birth of the amazing fighting spirit gift that is my daughter Abigail Grayce….

More to come

Continue reading Dreams and Diapers

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What would you do if you woke up with the body of your dreams?

I have a sweet friend who also happens to be an author of some ‘spicy’ novels.  Her latest title (Skin Deep) and snippet gave me the inspiration for this blog post.  (Her name is Megan D. Martin- Author and Editor)  Her snippet says “What would you do to HAVE the perfect body?”  However, I read it in haste as “What would you do if you HAD the perfect body of your dreams”.  I have no idea why. Either way, this got me thinking.  That is a GREAT writing prompt!   I’m going to keep  thinking on this a bit and would love for you to do the same.  I’ll be back to elaborate on what I come up with …  Hope you will do the same!

Ok I’m back to post what I think I’d do! I think the most important thing is to start by DEFINING what my dream body would be.  I wouldn’t get rid of my Cerebral Palsy.  Mine is mild.  It’s blessed me FAR more than it’s stolen from me.  I would go back to the body I had in college.  🙂  I was healthy and strong and at my best.  I walked EVERYWHERE.  I liked walking.  It was work but it was possible and it was FUN.  I loved to sweat and felt brand new after every hike!  I was beautiful and didn’t realize how much so.  I would LEAP out of bed and find all my old Levi’s and slip those puppy’s on and grab a tank top and a pretty bra!  I miss pretty bra and panties 😀  I would then IMMEDIATELY head outside and walk until I felt like I was going to drop!  Give LOUD and repetitive thanks to God for giving me back the ability to walk freely!

Next, I’d be so much more respectful of my body and my soul and their connection.  NO MORE INSULTING MYSELF.  NO MORE STEALING MY OWN CONFIDENCE BY REPEATING THE LIES OF THE ENEMY.   I’d be much more careful of how/what I eat.  I’d chase my kids EVERYWHERE!  I’d take my little boy to a park and run him RAGGED.  I’d wear the clothes I love rather than the ones I can find.  I would be braver in my choices.  I’d workout with my daughter.  I’d swim like a fish.  I would be open more, chatty more, hide less, smile more.

As I’m writing this…. it occurs to me I need to do as many of these things as I possibly can NOW so that I will eventually be able to do them all one day.  What do ya know?  Love what you have until you have what you love.  Time to get moving I think!  How bout you?

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New Beginning!

When I started this blog I made a promise to myself that I would post once a week.  Of course within the second week I broke the promise.  I wrote the first blog because I felt a strong push from God to share that particular story.  I had told it so many times and I couldn’t imagine why I would need to share it again, but the push wouldn’t stop, so I wrote it down.  Just like a weight lifted or a magic trick I stopped needing to tell that story!  

I took that to mean that God had a purpose for my blog and that I would pray and wait for the next push.  I just never felt it again.  I still haven’t felt it yet.  What I have felt is the push to keep the promise I kept to myself.  My sister (and best friend in the world) suggested that I write about not knowing what to write.  Brilliant!  At least it gets me moving.  

As you saw I got my camera and am ready to start my gratitude journal.  Suddenly I can’t think of a place to start.  I’m thankful for so much it’s just that now there seems to be this perceived pressure to find something deep and meaningful for me or for you.  So I made another decision.  

I am going to write down my goals for the year as a way of taking real steps toward achieving them and a way of letting you guys know a bit more about who and where I am. So, here it goes!  P.S.  I’d love if you wanted to share some of your goals with me too.

1. Do a year long devotional, one scripture a day.

2.  Do my gratitude journal

3.  Get back on the daily path of physical health with http://www.myfitnesspal.com 

4.  Do the planking challenge to strengthen my core to help me in regaining my ability to walk.

5.  Walk at least 10 separate times a day.  (For me that just means getting off the couch and walking somewhere in my house 10 separate times in a day.  This is a big deal due to my ongoing recovering from my car accident.

6. Drink WATER!

7. Blog once a week.  🙂

OK so I think seven goals is plenty for a year.  All of these goals can be broken down into small daily achievable steps which is what is makes them possible and will allow me small successes to build on.  😀  I am excited!  I am looking forward to where God will take me. I will be sharing stories from my past, present and dreams for my future along with my progress toward these goals so this blog might very well go all over the map.  I hope that in sharing my story I will be a blessing to someone else along their journey as well.  I would LOVE to hear from anyone who wants to share along with me.  I will be honest and open and all I ask is that kind words are all that’s shared.  You don’t have to agree with me.  You just can’t be hateful.  Cool?  Cool.  😀  

Now, as a day one!  I have blogged for the week!  YAY!  I logged my food intake into fitness pal.  YAY!  I did my daily devotional last night.  I like to go to sleep on the word 🙂 YAY!  I have walked twice already today with no aids!  YAY!   So far so good!  Today I will do my first day planking arg!   I WILL find something to put in my gratitude journal no matter how small no pressure to be profound 😀  Thank you for giving me support and I can’t wait to hear from you!

Peace, Love and Grace

KP  ….. (photo credit @wordporn)

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