Yesterday was a hard day. There are always a list of reasons. Most of them are so small when compared to the worlds ills, but it’s not our job to compare struggles just uplift those we can and remind ourselves and others of the blessings and that we are not of this world. This too shall pass. Right? Well, it will but till it does life kinda sucks.
Dealing with depression sometimes means that I get completely self-absorbed and stuck in self-pity as well as trapped in real sorrow that seems like quick sand. The more I struggle the deeper I sink. Yesterday was one of those days. I truly felt hopeless and pointless. Mostly I felt ANGRY. FURIOUS. LIVID. I really can’t find the right word. It’s this soul eating, gut wrenching, hell visiting misery. The best description I’ve ever come up with for it is: It feels like the devil is connected to your hip and constantly whispering in your ear and sometimes LIVING in your mind and spewing all these ugly, mean, painful “truths” at you and you can’t get away from it b/c it’s inside you. Yesterday the ‘truths’ were: You are helpless. You are worthless. You’ve wasted your life. You will never be loved. You will never be beautiful. You are not important. No one needs you. You are a burden. You are a waste. You have no future. Your dreams are dead. Your purpose is NOTHING. You ruined EVERYTHING with that accident and nothing will ever be right again.
As you can imagine I was not only miserable, I was a misery to be with. Thank GOD He gave me a best friend and a soul sister who knows me and loves me enough to sit with me in my misery and who also knows when it’s time for me to leave. She got me out. She got me moving and she helped me close the door on it. Turn it off. That’s not to say it was gone but for a while it was quiet. I woke up this morning feeling a little bit like someone with a hangover. Groggy, sickly and wondering if I was going to feel better or have more of the same. Then there was a ‘PING’
The ping of a message on my cell phone. This message was from a friend I’ve known for a decade but been able to spend very little time with. We’ve tried a few times but it just never quite worked out. God’s timing. God’s timing was TODAY. She asked me to please come and let her bless my family and as much as I WANTED to do that I could see NO WAY that could possibly happen and told her. She prayed with me over the phone for a way to be made and said “I’m gonna walk on faith that I’m going to see you in a little while!” I hung up thinking yeah ok but that’s not going to happen. We have no way to get there right now and BLECH. I do NOT feel fit for public consumption. (Blech for me NOT her.) Then, God showed his Face. 🙂 That soul sister said ‘I’m in!’ I remembered some money I had put aside for gas. My daughter got home from her friend’s house as we were walking out the door and her boyfriend was ready to be picked up on the way to the house!
Now, the fact that God made a way and got everyone in place at the perfect time was amazing enough. Then as icing on the cake we were all headed to Bridgeport to my sweet friend’s ranch…..WITH HORSES….WITH A BRAND NEW HOME TO CELEBRATE WITH HER…..WITH A GARDEN TUB …. A LAKE…TONS OF WINDOWS…..DOGS…. oh and did I mention HORSES???? Yes well, this is particularly significant when you realize that my 15 year old daughter was BORN to ride horses and despite years of trying we have never been able to find a place to have her ride on a regular basis. She’s only been on a horse three times in her life and I can promise you it is where God made her to be. She absolutely GLOWS with joy on the back of a horse.. or near a horse for that matter. She has a natural affinity that could only come from her Heavenly Father. Her sweet 5 year old brother LOVES horses but has only seen them behind fences and through car windows. He hopped on his first horse bareback and off he went with that very same glow from heaven. It was by far the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on! Both of my sweet babies glowing with joy in the element God created for them, in a way only He could orchestrate, in a place surrounded by precious people HE placed in our lives.
He heard my cry. He caught my tears. He counted each one, and this once he showed me the very next morning how very much every single tear means to Him. How very much He loves not just me but my babies and my soul sisters and their babies and how we are all connected to one another in His timing and His family and how He wants to use us all to bless one another all those precious animals that we got to love on and who we watched leap and play and express all the joy He gave them.
I have gone from feeling barren and lost to overflowing and thankful. Blessed beyond measure. Brought to tears again. This time tears of joy. Thank you Abba. Thank you Tricia. Thank you Sabrina. Thank you for one more day. Thank you for all the blessings I thought I wasn’t taking for granted. Thank you for the ones I forgot. Thank you for the sorrow that makes the joy that much sweeter.